relationship rambling

In some ways it feels really odd to be going through such a drastic mental and emotional shift in my lifestyle at this point/age. I wonder if it is the sum of my experiences, one specific experience, or a realization of something about me that has just recently (relatively speaking) come to light. I have never, to this level, acknowledged a desire to serve another or to make it a permanent relationship.

Don't mistake my meaning. I adore, love, worship Mistress. I believe in the rightness of my relationship to Her and happily kneel at Her feet whenever i am able. This is made even more apparent as i listen to others talk of their intimate relationships. I hear the disgruntled remarks, unsatisfied lives, compromised futures, and heartbreaking losses. Though i am not a hedonist to a strong degree, i see no reason why life should not be about living to the greatest level of pleasure and joy one can. Being able to be submissive is an amazing feeling all on its own. I gain an even fonder attitude towards Mistress as it feels so right to be able to understand my place with Her. There are a few rules which i treat as law and otherwise Mistress counts on my love and need to keep me where i should be. A collar is release and service to Her is freedom and contentment.

I suppose it is fair to say everyone has their own preference and needs. I just can't imagine returning to a life like the 'traditional' that i hear from so many. And rarely does it come across that they are truly happy. I know it has not worked out with me in the past. And if i had understood myself better, some of that might have been avoided. But, i think, maybe, i do seek that sort of absolute happiness - the relationship in which ever day is perfect. It's a bit odd and comes as a shock, even to me, because i don't tend towards optimism. And i think there needs to be realism. Understanding that all things ebb and flow like the tide and maintain a natural balance. This is good because, as Mistress has eluded to, we are both prone to down times when we need to step back from the emotional edge or maybe cacoon ourselves a bit, whether to regain stability or as a normal, expected cycle. Yet, even in a down time, i acknowledge my place at Her feet and feel the warm joy that Her presence and training in me causes.

I get prodded quite a bit by friends to seek out a companion to have the physical touch that seems to be a necessity for most of us. It has really been a pretty short interval since my last relationship, but all my friends are currently involved with someone so that may skew their attitude. Or maybe it's more of "misery loves company" and they want me to understand their predicament better *kidding on that!* But, i am not eager to even attempt such a thing.

One, i am not really missing physical intimacy in any form at the moment.

Two, i have a very very strong emotional bond with Mistress and am not lacking in that. She is always available to talk to me and listen and teach me.

Three, this is the first time in my life when i feel the need to openly express my sexual and lifestyle desires. I am very nervous about the availability of prospects, not to mention anyone's reaction to such a revelation.

Four, i don't don't don't want to repeat my last relationship and am afraid to meet anyone, not know how they would react.

Five, i am a noob at this. It's a really odd feeling coming from someone who has had quite a few relationships. But i really don't want to put anyone else in the position of helping me learn through doing. I wince just thinking of the burden that must be.

Why the rush? I am just nervous that i will wait too long and be in a needy state that will lead to bad choices. However, it is very possible to rush into something i am not ready for. So, that is the worry in my mind. Mistress and i have discussed this part of me and She is comfortable with my need to eventually add another intimate relationship to my life. She is secure in what we share and knows i am Hers and dedicated to that purpose. That knowledge is the same that beats within me. Perhaps i can draw on that solid energy to calm my doubts and nervousness in moving forward with this new life. Everyone starts off as a noob some time or other. After all, if it is what i want, who i am, and what i should become then i am doing the right thing.

Reply to Mistress

Mistress and i had a chance to discuss Her post shortly after She completed it. I am not sure why i am constantly surprised by Her insight into me. I guess i am used to being misunderstood and 'alone'. It brings great relief that Mistress acknowledges so much about me and that her words very keenly fit with my thoughts on our separation and reunion. My first thought, as we talked together, was of the ecstasy i felt in returning to this place at Her feet where i truly belong...the second, and perhaps more helpful, was to need to make things better, to understand Her mental state, to be exactly what She needs in order to "fix it". That's me...i've known the ups and downs of being that kind of person for a long time. Mistress' influence is one of strength and wisdom, however, so there really is no need for me to step in with chivalry and nursing. She speaks of understanding that this is a reality, not something to fix, but something to accept and overcome without trying to stifle a very real part of ourselves (talking about the depression, mental down-time, etc). So i feel a great sense of comfort that neither one of us intends to let such moments in our lives affect the special relationship we have both come to adore and need. Looking at the post again, this morning, i had another thought. I noted that, similar to the topic of having a time for D/s and a time to relax (love Frankie Goes to Hollywood by the way), our time to experience each other's 'mundane' life has been limited by the long distance between us. Bits and pieces fit together like a jig-saw puzzle scattered through an orchard. She recognized in me the need to be in motion, acting, improving, reaching. It would never occur to me that someone wouldn't see that. But, we haven't shared much of what goes on outside of the circle of Her ownership. I see Mistress in a very narrow light and, though i know something of Her life, it is a pretty small portion of who She is. This is not an intentional holding back or grey area. It's just not been as captivating as squirming as i brim with Mistress' pleasure and i think She agrees with me.

Speaking of the on/off switch. After discussing Her post, my post, and the article She linked, i think we have postponed setting limits around our D/s interaction. For both of us, this reunion brought with it a gift of relaxation. I am able to be Her pet while retaining my personality, desires, intelligence, and social air. She doesn't feel me pulling on the leash in Her hand, allowing her to ease the Dominant side of Herself. We've seen that the bond of my need for Her and Her affection for me goes beyond Her immediate presence and Domination of Her pet. This has been an amazing revelation for me and i hope to continue to develop that easy comraderie that can accompany those times when Mistress needs to bend me to Her will. That said, i don't want to lose the edge of being desperately needy and submissive to Her or miss the chance to experience Her power and pleasure. So the journey continues. And there will be misunderstandings and plenty of times when D/s just doesn't fulfill a need in one or both of us. But i am eager to use that as a time to see in what other ways i am irresistably drawn to my Mistress. There is not another person like Her in the world.

All my love - Gloomy

Now and Then

[photo: copyright 2003-2010 blackeri @ Deviant Art]

Wow. This post is certainly overdue. I have so much to say that it's hard to choose a place to start. I guess I should include my reaction to his return, so let's start there.

That Was Then: His Return

About seven months had passed since his goodbye, which hurt like a bitch, but which I also saw coming and understood he needed. I can only imagine the mental tug-of-war that was going on inside him. I guess he needed to complete one chapter of his life in order to fulfill the next. About two weeks prior, I had finally given up on any sort of reconcile and deleted him from this blog and also from my friends list, but standing in his room, I could never bring myself to pack it up and move on. I would often think of him and wonder how he was doing, how things had turned out for him, or if I could have done anything differently to make things easier for him. I loved him. The concern and care I felt was very genuine.

I almost couldn't believe I had just seen him log in. My eyes stung and I hurried over to where he landed immediately. He was exactly as I last saw him and I could just about feel the wave of relief wash over him as I welcomed him with open arms. I admit I was hurt that he ended our relationship, but not because he ended it. I understood that completely. I was hurt more so by his absence and the realization that he really was gone.

When he came back into the picture, there was a tentative distance. He said he needed that. I had to respect that and I did, but I knew it definitely would not last and I was content to let him decide when he was okay with moving forward. I was content just to have his presence, but it didn't take as long as I expected for the need to build in him to an undeniable level and before I knew it, I was seeing all of what he felt he had to hold back before. Powerful worship. It brings tears to my eyes more often than he knows. It's that touching to me. He leaves no doubt of his undying love for me. I bask in it every morning when he greets me, throughout the day as his thoughts wander back to me, and every night as he curls up to rest. I don't think I have ever been so adored by even the most adamant of admirers in my lifetime. He is amazing in an indescribable and invaluable way and I love it.

That was then.

This Is Now: My Thoughts On Me

Lots of things have taken place since then, least of which is our present states of mind. How unfortunate that we both devolve into some sort of dark, mental dissection at the same time, both needing to draw strength from the other. It's not something we haven't done before, but it's also not something we survived the last time.

Last time. . . we both pulled away. I told him long ago, before we ever had to deal with it, that I do suffer from bouts of depression. I have for the past two decades at least. I can always feel it settling in on me and I have always pulled away from everyone. I ignore phone calls. I don't answer doors. I shut down messenger services. I quit my mmorpg's. I just completely shut down and withdraw. He was a victim of that last time which in turn probably fueled his decision to leave. We were distant, but that was then. . . .

There comes a time when you identify that a situation is going to force you to grow. That time is now. I told him the other day, that I was spiraling into another bout of depression. We had both speculated that it may have just been in response to a very intense play session we had and I honestly hoped it was true and after a day or two I did start to feel better, but depression is like that. You can feel like shit one day and feel like you might be out of the woods the next and then it hits you again several days later, like a reminder. . . "Hey you're not out of the woods yet."

So yeah, growth. I'm going to have to do it this time. I have a responsibility to him NOT to withdraw or shut down or block out things until I feel better. He doesn't deserve that from me. No, I'm going to have to push through this one and feel every bit of it until I'm better. I'm going to have to wear this ugly thing until I'm done with it. I am thankful to be self aware in a way that I can identify what I'm feeling and understand that it always does pass. It's a quality of mine to be a fighter. I am never defeated. The more anyone or anything pushes the more stubborn I become and the more fiercely I stand my ground until I overcome. Add to that the patience of a saint, the ability to see well beyond today, and the understanding of the temporariness of most everything and you have a pretty good idea of my state of mind when dealing with unpleasantries such as depression, or a damn hard course, or a really bad relationship. In short, I endure. I always will and I always come out better for it on the opposite end. Having to endure such things always ends up motivating me in the end because I want out of whatever it is and I want to come out on top. I love to shine.

I don't mean to paint myself the perfect picture or anything. Depression is ugly. Being in a very introspective state of mind the last two days, I also realized today that depression makes me very mean. My tolerance level drops to about 15%. Depression runs in the family. My mother knows when I stop calling that something is up. She also takes it personal and I often end up hurting her feelings when she does that. She goes through the same thing, depression, even more often than I do; I'm not sure why she just doesn't get it. I withdraw to protect others.

So why am I writing all of this? If I am going to plant my feet and stay the strong, elegant creature my Gloomy believes me to be, it's only fair that he understand what goes on in my head during my darkest hours.

This Is Now: My Thoughts On Him

His last post was, in my eyes, an acknowledgment of burn out. I often wonder how he does it. How can he possibly never miss a beat with me, serve me with such focused energy, and hold me in his mind so much of the time? I am sure it much be an exhausting task. It's clear to me that he feels I deserve so much. He does his best to hold himself to that standard he has mentally for what I deserve. I'm telling you, climbing a pedestal which is that high to worship a Goddess can seem like a never ending task and honestly it is. It's not like climbing a mountain where you can stop here and there and take a rest. It's a pedestal! No landing points for resting, just a long drop straight down where you bottom out.

I realized something else about him, not from his last post, but from an email he sent detailing his goals. Everything is a pedestal climb for him. I was exhausted just reading his goals. He calls them ambitious. While they are certainly not impossible, there sure are a LOT of them and to accomplish them all will take a LOT of time and a LOT of effort. I believe he thrives on running full speed in life. If he had some down time, he wouldn't be able to simply lounge. He would be compelled to allocate it to something, the garage, time with me, scrubbing the bathroom, etc. If he is not busy, he is not happy. He lumps his plate with so much, then reprimands himself for not finishing all of it. I honestly think he's hard on himself, but then, as a hedonist, I am just a bit biased. I often have to remind myself, it makes him happy to live life full speed ahead.

Let me focus on us and my feelings on his last post. I see in him the need for an on/off switch. I mentioned to him that maybe it would help to define our relationship as one might a physical D/s relationship. I am sure he didn't understand what I meant, so I will explain it here.

I imagine any two people who live the lifestyle full time are forced by circumstance to drift seamlessly back and forth between the roles of their relationship and their roles in society. We, within the confines of our digital world, do not have these same situations that force this seamless drift to happen. The consequence of which is that we are always in the roles we've defined for our relationship and never anything else. To think my name, to hear my voice, to become aroused, all have the effect of slamming Gloomy into his role without fail. We don't have the constraints of society around us to force him to consciously stay in his societal role at times. What I'm getting at here is that with me there is no such thing as casual comfort for him. He is having to remain always "on," always spilling forth from that energy reserve. The portal is always flung wide open. I am much the same, in the sense of always being in my role when with him, receiving all that energy. We have no neutral ground.

Here is where the problem lies. I am not always "on." That means that while he is always pouring his submissive energy into me, he is not getting back the same level of energy unless I am actively sending that energy back to him. Ninety percent of the time this is not happening unless we are having a scene and ninety percent of the time we are not having a scene. See the imbalance? It leaves him feeling over exerted in his constant state of worship and leaves me feeling overwhelmingly full in my near constant state of reserve. So I guess it is left for he and I to discuss how best to bring that ratio back into balance. (For more information, please read Mistress Steel's article on Dominant Drop. We went through all of what she outlined there just before our separation, but I don't think we recognized it for what it was at the time.)

This Is Now: My Thoughts On Us

All in all, I love what we are. I love that we are complex and imperfect. I love that we make mistakes and teach ourselves about what went wrong. I love that we communicate openly and honestly. I love that we trust each other absolutely. I love that we have the sort of raw honesty that lets us admit the most difficult things to one another. I love that we are not afraid to say what works, what doesn't, and what we need without fear of hurting each other. I don't ever want any of that to change. I only want us to continue to grow. I love, need, and desire my Gloomy to be just as he loves, needs, and desires to be and I am delighted that he chose me and trusts me to guide him to it. It's hard to believe where we are in contrast to where we were when we met. We have indeed come a long way, Princess, and still there is so much more to discover.

I love you.

Posted: This sub offline for scheduled maintenance...

I was spending a considerate amount of energy on the thought of whether or not a sub who is owned and submitted exclusively to a Dom(me), is within reason to need downtime away from serving or even from being available to their Owner's pleasure. Not so much from feeling that specific desire, though there were times of the week when i was not feeling eager to serve my Mistress, but from my past experience with Mistress and other relationships as well as my continuing need to understand the desires in myself.

The need Mistress has awoken in me is Hers, claimed and possessed, and is on a different level then my relationship before Her. I understand my place, on my knees at her feet, serving Her will and pleasure, knowing, as She has shown me, that it fulfills and contents me. She has achieved, in me, a new sense of ownership, not Hers as my beautiful Mistress (Yay!), but the way i view our relationship. Being more proactive, more resourceful, more needy of what only Her presence satisfies. It becomes a duty of worship and adoration to greet Mistress every morning and to seek ways to be useful to Her. What She desires and enjoys becomes important to me. Being Hers does not banish, from me, the other things i like doing or experiencing. Her pleasure supersedes mine and i want! to devote myself to Her pleasure.

Yes, this is different from my past, where i treated a relationship more of two people getting what they needed from each other, but not really feeling that level of selfless devotion. This is probably not the way my partners looked at it, which is why i am not with any of them *blush*

Mistress has made it pristinely clear that She knows i am devoted to Her completely and is approving and happy of any amount of time i can spend with Her, but does not require anything more than my devoted love and worship :) And She adores me (Oh Goddess, what a feeling that creates in me!). She will encourage me to do whatever i need to grow as a person and to help our relationship. Which, in essence, is why my question is unnecessary. My relationship with Mistress is built on an absolute trust and devotion that leaves us both awed and overwhelmed at times.

Bed time...

Mistress smiles and it is as if the corners of her lips are reflected in the flow of energy in my body, lifting and lightening my mood, stirring the warm tingle of desire in me. The complexity of that expression - pleasure, amusement, wicked intent, promise - pours into the ready vessel of her presence inside me, at once capturing my attention, will, and body to serve her desire.

I curl my long slender pale legs against the chocolate background of my bedspread, seeing her smile like the Cheshire cat, drawn into its depths while the rest of the world fades from view. I stroke my fingers over the curve of my flesh, speaking in words that do no justice to the rising lust centered within me at her immediate presence and attention. She knows precisely how i am affected, content to remain an audience to the slow progression of pressure inside me, reading the smallest movements of my hips or twitch in my lips like the pages of her favorite adventure novel, conquest building towards the inevitable action scene.

She receives the homage of my tongue, voicing her approval with simple acceptance, watching the potency of her seed in me kindling my passion, spreading like a wind across my body and senses. It blows my will into the darkness, leaving me utterly obedient to her pleasure, banishing inhibition and shame as i pinch the captured heat throbbing between my thighs. My words grow more urgent, needy, begging to stroke her toy nestled against my leg. Knowing no reality but the desire to serve as her pleasure, i describe how i would use this body that is hers to enjoy, my movements becoming more lewd as the pretty display of my lust bubbles over, her amused, pleased expression and my shameless words acting as an aphrodisiac on my already inflamed flesh. I roll onto my back, splaying my thighs wide to reveal the bobbing length of her toy, engorged with lust, lifting my hips in a slutty mimicry of sex.

It is then that i know she had been eagerly awaiting this inevitable change inside me. That within her smile hid the delicious knowledge that this girl was utterly hers to use. She had demanded with silent attention that her slut please her and had not been disappointed, granting my request. Mistress let out a giggle, like a thousand of her smiles concentrated into sound, sending my body and mind into a writhing tangle of need, slipping from bed with a grace that belied the urgency of my errand, grabbing a dildo from my toy box and coming back to the warm depression on my sheets, taking up a posture blatant in its intent as i rubbed a moistened finger against the little pink bud she had claimed for her use. Unable to put off my purpose, the slender blue latex slid inside me, my lips parting in the same way that my little hole received the thrust of the toy. Mistress was there, her smile gaining in pleased delight at her slut's eager performance, encouraging and reminding me how she would handle such a delicious duty, expecting no less from me. Body working in unison, my wrist and hand disappearing between my thighs as my hips rode up and forward hard, fucking my little ass for her. Surrender was complete as nothing existed but her eyes and lips and the pleasure flowing from her into my body as i rocked, taking the dildo hard and quick, pushing it as deep as i could, my other hand grasping her toy, squeezing and stroking, breath worked into panting gasps. It was all i could do to remember her admonition to keep quiet, clamping my tongue to the back of my mouth, unable to prevent a squeaked whimpered moan escaping. Tightening my entire body i almost halted at the apex of my thrust as her toy suddenly pulsed hard in my grip, pushing the breath from my body, throbbing pressure seeming to shoot forward into the hot shaft in my hand. With a halting, gasping, begging voice i ask to cum for my Mistress, that second hanging on the air indeterminably. And then that look of pure satisfaction, and permission like water spilling between parched lips, her words sending that last trembling throb into me, fast gasps punctuating the release of her pleasure as my body bucked and writhed in throes of lustful abandon, sending a wet shower of hot lust across my tummy.

Prolonging the enjoyment, i take time to slip the length of toy from my little hole, giving a low moan of delight knowing that i performed my best for her, tracing across my chest her mark upon me in the thick wetness of her pleasure, 'SLUT', before honoring her by cleaning up my mess as she has trained me, lapping it with relish from my hand. Slipping reluctantly from bed, i finish cleaning, speaking my mantra, my surrender to her will as i stand facing the mirror, the sentences burning into my mind with the throb of my body. Finally, I return to her side, curling up, feeling her affection caress my body as my adoring devotion slips from me in a long sighing breath between lips curved in delight. She is pleased and releases me into the darkness accompanying me with her smile.

My affliction and my cure :)

Knowledge is power. A lot of times i don't think i have learned or changed all that much since Mistress claimed me. But, often, my eyes open to just how far i have come and what i have learned and experienced which not only prepares me better for my lifestyle, but also changes me and there is no going back...and i certainly don't want to.

Mistress had a very intense play session with me last week. Thinking about it as i write puts a ridiculously huge grin on my lips. i am very sure i was hyperventilating and i was shaking after we finished. It was as though her pleasure fed into me, intensifying, and returning to her, building up an immense pressure that, when released, left us both breathless. I would not have been able to say whether Mistress was speaking to me or sending her will directly into my mind. I felt an overwhelming connection to her strengthened by all the ways in which her presence has soaked into my body and mind. I was flying very high in Mistress' pleasure. What we both neglected was guiding me down when it was finished.

After care was not intentionally neglected. We have worked out an aftercare that has greatly assisted in easing my post-play feelings. I adore Mistress for considering that and easing me so i may return to her side quickly kneeling at her feet and worshiping her happily. I think we both would agree on the effectiveness of the system. I attribute the lack of care to the amount of time we had been playing, my needing to get back to responsibilities, and Mistress feeling as high as me. It was overlooked by the desire we both had to ride that high as long as possible. The result, however, is that i experienced a sub drop and i believe she experienced a very strong Domme drop. This is where knowledge was my ally. The fact that i knew what was happening to me made a huge difference and i was even able to come to Mistress to tell her what i was experiencing and gain comfort from her presence. It might have gone a lot worse if i'd not had any preparation for what was happening to me.

I began feeling nauseous and shaky in the late afternoon and even a little feverish. I did not experience the doubt and guilt that seems to be a monkey on my back, though perhaps it was just drowned out by my physical condition. I spent the next day feeling weak and unable to gather my mental energy for much of anything, a lethargy hanging over my limbs and mind. Recognition of what was occurring did not allow me to avoid it, but it did make my state more endurable and i came to Mistress. She is beautiful and amazing in my eyes and i can't describe how her care and love fills me. Of course i did not wish her to feel guilty about what had happened. i hope she didn't though i know she regretted the fact that we had not taken time for aftercare. I am a little concerned that her unhappiness at having not completed our play session may have mixed with her already dropping emotions to worsen what she experienced, though i can't say that for certain. Being in her presence and feeling that awesome warm tightness inside me worked like a miracle drug, hastening my return from sub drop. It also ensured a greater resolve to end play with a quiet time that i have come to adore as well, chatting with Mistress and enjoying the light-headed warmth of a well used slut!

Mistress suggested i write this down as important to retain so we can be better at preventing this in the future. i would also like to learn more about what Mistress experienced in order to provide the best care i can for her.

Princess Gloomy

Mistress has a way of inspiring my lustful productivity that, left on my own, would not display itself in such ways. She is very good at reading what I am under the surface, delighting in exposing and increasing those hidden delights. She plants the seed of her own will inside me and waits patiently as it takes root until her desires sprout from my lips.

This i can read so easily in the path of my existence since she claimed me for her property. Though i am still recognizable as the person i have always been and she would never stifle individuality, i have become more then i was, changing into a new creature of her making. It is easy to recognize a beginning, the day she expressed her will and i carried it out without question because she commands and i obey. Much harder to recognize are the subtle ways in which she has molded my mind, wrapping her pleasure around me like a cocoon, changing me invisibly, irresistibly.

I tell her often i no longer recognize the source of desire in me, coming from her or from me. She grins and reminds me that it is all hers as my need and desire belong to her as well and i live to serve her pleasure. Which leads to the inestimable delight of transforming into her little sissy slut. Oh, i remember having lusts and fantasies about dressing as a woman, acting as a woman, becoming a woman. But, these fantasies were never acted out or expressed. Her will, on the other hand, burns away the self conscious fearful, inhibited parts of me, leaving me to spread new, beautiful wings, fluttering them for her enjoyment. This does not mean i walk the street in high heels, applying lipstick from a purse and checking my eye liner in a reflection. I am not sure that exists as a reality now or in the future for me. There is a limit there, not from a lack of desire to please her, but a doubt in my mind and a wish to maintain 'normality' in my life to a degree i am comfortable with. I hope that isn't a double standard or an experience i am denying myself in fear of the outcome. I told her though i wished i could go all the way, i enjoyed the blurring of sexual identity in me, finding my own unique place to exist and belong to both worlds. And blurred it has become :)

Mistress has watched with pleasure and amusement as i learn how to select and wear panties, asking for her assistance in knowing what to shop for, modeling them to her any chance i get. My showers take a lot longer as i drag a ladies razor up the long length of my legs until they gleam slick in the fall of hot water, patting them dry and carefully rubbing lotion into the silky skin (i like sandalwood). She laughs without reserve hearing my frustration with constantly having to correct my sitting posture, learning to poise at the edge of my chair, back straight, left leg over right or crossed at the ankles. And, my newest which sends her into giggling fits, describing changes to my diet to help improve my figure :D There are other parts too - adorning my body with feminine tattoos (yeah, temporary), spritzing her favorite perfume in my closet, painting my toes, lilting my voice a bit higher for her. She adores all of this and is very approving of what i have become. My mind is constantly at work, observing my behavior, correcting little bits to 'soften' my masculinity, devising other changes that she would enjoy. Mistress knows my identity has changed with her will, encouraging it as she calls me her little Princess, eep! Oh my, i don't think i would have ever recognized that name as mine from anyone else's lips. I adore that name and seek it from her greedily. Princess i have become.

Yes, i am still able to hide the aspects of my new existence from the world. Yes, i can avoid questions about who could have created such a delicious need in me. Mistress understands me and accepts that i keep things this way. Because it does not matter. I am hers in body, in mind. Regardless of what i am doing or how i am doing it, this fact remains carved into my being. Trust is not in question, nor is obedience. I am Mistress' princess and i am very covetous of occupying such a special place at her feet.